God and Justin Bieber

Ok Ok O.k. I must admit with a title such as "God and Justin Bieber" I'm bound to raise some eyebrows and or risk being mocked. Let me make one thing perfectly clear - I do NOT have Bieber Fever - no intervention is needed. :) 

This morning was my first time back at the gym after being restricted for quite some time. Due to a back injury and then being sick off and on for three weeks, I had to take some time off. Today was my first day back at running - WHOO HOO! As I run, I love to listen to Pandora. Being the eclectic that I am, my shuffle station has everything from Carrie Underwood, Broadway showtunes, Kim Walker, Eminem (don't judge) and of course - POP 40 which includes...duh duh duh...the one and only Justin Bieber. 

Today as I'm pressing into the 1.5 mile mark, I hear this song come on and it's like the World stopped for a moment silencing everything that would take my distraction away from what was being said. I listen and I hear "My world is your world, my fight is your fight, my breath is your breath, when you hurt I'm not right." My ears perked up and I continued to listen to the song and I listened it seemed that the voice of God started to smother my entire being. It was like He was singing directly to me, my situation, my heart, my mind, my soul and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I quickly closed out my Pandora and searched for this song on YouTube. It was then on repeat for the next 30-45 minutes of my morning. 

I started tearing apart the lyrics. His World, is my World? His fight is my fight? His breath is my breath? When I'm hurt He's not right?? Really? Could that be true of God to feel that deeply about me? The song goes onto state "many are called, but you are chosen...I'll be your guy you're my number one girl...you make me happy...girl I love you I love you I love you." I was amazed at those lyrics recalling that they are verses in the Bible and that is truly how the Lord feels about me. 

I realize that not everyone has moments such as these and God speaks to everyone in their own special love language. Well my two primitive languages of love are words and affection. (If you're unsure what I'm talking about, get the book The Five Love Languages, it will change your life!)  I feel the MOST love when I hear sincere words of affirmation, words of encouragement and love spoken to me by people. Mix that with someone playing with my hair and my love tank is beyond full! God knows how to speak to me because He created me so I'm not sure why I was taken back so much by this song. Maybe it's because Justin Bieber would be the last person I'd expect God to use to minister to me or maybe it's because I'm still trying to figure out this love relationship scenario with my Heavenly Father. 

You see - I'm a control person. It's a huge character flaw of mine. I like to be in control, I like to know what's going to happen, with who, when and everyone better be on time. I don't like surprises (unless they are gifts or surprise parties hint hint) because I like to be on guard all the time. I know...that's not exactly healthy but we're all a work in progress. Being the control person that I am, I like rules. I thrive in structure with to-do and not-to-do list. Give me boundaries and I'll follow them like an Army Sergeant. Give me gray areas - I get anxious. 

As you can imagine, being that type of person I often times have a hard time with this relationship I have with Jesus. You see, I messed up in a MAJOR way Sunday night. Everyone has their vices in life - the things that keep popping up every now and again. Well, a vice of mine reared its ugly head Sunday and I caved in. I just didn't want to fight anymore. Ever have those moments? 

Because I had messed up in a major way, I now expect a pay-back system with the Lord. I immediately asked God to forgive me and repented of my sin. However, I never think that's enough. I have to EARN the forgiveness. I have to prove myself to God and frankly to myself to show how sorry I am. Those are the rules I like and are most comfortable with. So, as I'm going about my business running my intervals - I was flabbergasted that the Lord would want to take time out of His day to talk to me. I mean...hello did He not see what I did a couple of days ago? What does He not get? He's not allowed to talk to me or love me for a week because I have to sit in the time-out chair. However, as many of us know, God doesn't work like that. He still loves us, still cares for us, still enjoys us and wants to be around us. It's not the person He hates - it's the sin that separates Him from His children that He is not fond of. 

I wish relationships could be cleaner, easier and full of "If you're going to do this, then I'm going to do this in retaliation" type of behavior. What I am learning is that healthy relationships should never look like that and God will never treat me that way. In all honesty, I kind of wish He would because then I wouldn't have such a hard time wrapping my mind around a God that loves me through my flaws. I wouldn't have to see my human depravity that turns my back on a love that strong as I continually choose things which aren't of Him. I wouldn't have to admit that I am not perfect and I need help each and every single day. I wouldn't have to be humbled to my knees in thanksgiving for a God that loves me when I don't deserve it. I wouldn't have to wonder "what is so great about me that the God who created the Universe cares about each nook and cranny of my heart?" I wouldn't have to ponder any of those life questions and I could just move on with a "do this, do that" type of religion. Religion is safe and relationships are messy - but it's not a religion full of rules Jesus wants me to have, it's a relationship. He wants me to be able to come to Him when I'm hurting, when I've messed up, when I'm happy or sad. He wants to fix my problems, He wants to talk things out with me and He wants to help make me better by the love He has for me. Sounds like Mr. Perfect right? Yet I still long for the bounding rules of religion. As I said, I'm a control person and in a relationship you have to lose control in order to grow. Jesus doesn't want to punish me nor does He want me to punish myself. What He does want is a relationship. The two perspectives are drastically different however, so easily mistaken by our own shortcomings.  

In searching for a religion we can control or a God that we presume is always mad at us and we need to make it up somehow - we put life in this math equation that has expected outcomes. However safe that may "feel" at the time, I'm discovering that causes us to miss out on all the beautiful things about life. Uncertainty  learning to trust, feeling vulnerable and then experiencing true peace when that venerability is returned with perfect love.  Control and legalism are nice swimming floaties, but jumping head first into the deep end is far more exciting. 

Yesterday, Today and Forever

Have you ever felt like you’ve fallen from grace? Ever felt like you’ve just strayed too far for God to reach down and bring you back to the place you once were? I hate to admit it, but there are times when I feel like that. Times when I did something wrong and knowing the consequences I would have to pay later, I continued to follow through with the act. Isn’t that funny how we do that? We sometimes never play the tape all the way through and we get so caught up in our own emotions wanting the pain, the thoughts, the loneliness, the itch of the flesh to stop that we forsake everything we know to be true.

It’s times like those where we have a couple of options and the direction we choose to gaze our eyes upon are vital. I know when I feel those feelings, my instinct is to run. Run far away from everyone and everything I know because I’m so full of shame and guilt I just can’t face the people that I love or love me. Sadly to say, I not only do that to people, I sometimes choose to do that to God.

Here is one thing I am learning about living a life in Christ. There are going to be times when your heart is broken, times when you’ve messed up tremendously, occasions where you’ll have plenty and seasons when you’ll be in need. There are going to days of sadness, times of doubt, occasions of joy and a lifetime of lessons. Through all of those things, God is still the same God.

Recently, I had a moment where I was doubting God in my life. I thought that not only did He allow me to go through some tramatic instances, but He caused them as a punishment for me. As I was driving home one day, I heard Him whisper to me “Who do you think I am?” I replied “Well…you’re God and you’re good.” The Holy Spirit then stopped me in my tracks and said “That’s right, I am God, I am good and I am the same God yesterday, today and forever. The same God that provided for you yesterday will provide for you today. The same Jesus that delivered you from your past will deliver you from this. Do not doubt my goodness for I am the same yesterday, today and forever.” All I could do was sit in my car and ask for forgiveness for how I limit God.

You see…here’s the thing - I think this is what most our problems boil down to. When we have a crisis or situation at hand, we are so quick to just focus on that. We get hysterical at times, angry, weep on the floor and all we can see is the problem. It’s a big mountain type problem and we can’t see through it, around it and we can’t tell what’s on the other side – all we see is that. BUT…in Mathew 17:20 Jesus says if you have faith as small as a mustard seed you can tell this mountain to move and it will move. Do you notice the mountain didn’t completely go away, it just moved.

If a mountain is a problem or situation in your life blocking you from seeing the goodness of God, you have the authority to move it so you can fix your gaze on the one who not only fixed your circumstances yesterday, but will still care for you today. He has a plan, a purpose and a design to bless each one of His children and it’s our job to focus on Him, rely on Him and trust in Him to catch us when we need to caught, to fight for us when we can’t fight for ourselves and to forgive us when we can’t forgive ourselves. Jesus is there waiting, longing and watching you as you go through your daily life. The only thing that stops you from seeing Him work everything out for the better in your life is your choice to look away from Him and at the mountain.

One Thing Remains

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant through the trial and the change
One thing remains
One thing remains

Your love never fails it never gives up it never runs out on me

On and one and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never ever have to be afraid
One thing remains

In death and in life I'm confident and covered by the power of your great love
My debt is paid there's nothing that can separate my heart from your great love

The lyrics above are from one of my favorite songs right now. It's entitled "One Thing Remains" by Brian and Jenn Johnson from the Bethel Church in Redding, CA.

This morning while I was at the gym sprinting my legs off on the treadmill, I listened to this song and something hit my soul that I can't really explain. It's like the lights when on and I discovered that what I knew about God's love doesn't even compare to what it actually is.

Higher than the mountains that I face, Stronger than the power of the grave, Constant through the trial and the change, One thing remains. Really think about that. God's love is HIGHER than the mountains that you face. It's STRONGER than the power of the grave. CONSTANT through the trial and the change, this ONE thing remains. In life we often think we NEED so many things. But ultimately could the only NEED we have is God's love? Sure we need clothing, food, sorce of income - but what about Matthew? Don't worry about the clothes you wear, the food you will eat - look at the Sparrows with all their needs met. Are you not more important to God than a Sparrow? My translation :).

Could it be that God is really the GREAT I AM! Not just a statement you read in a book, not just someone you hear about from your family, Pastor or significant other, what if God really is SO great that the best way to describe Him is just I AM! The I AM over your finances, the I AM over your family, the I AM over your emotional struggles.....THE I AM OVER EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE, if you WANT Him to be.

With all the things that are going on in the World it's so easy to turn to the things which are tangible around us. Relationships with others, food, alcohol, endless TV watching...the list goes on and on. We turn to things in this world which numb us when ultimately, we are not turning to the One Person that is higher and above it all.Higher than a mountain, stronger than death, constant when everything else is falling apart. I want to turn to Him rather than the things that cause me to sway to and fro like a wave in the wind. I want to hold onto the CONSTANT when things are changing daily my World, while tornadoes are ravaging our country and while there is no guarantee for the next day or next minute of my life.

His love is SO powerful and the more I think about it the more I can't explain it. His love is deep, He love is Wide and it covers up completely - we just choose to sometimes ignore it.

Is God Still Good??

Even in the noise, God will speak to you. I discovered tonight that though there may be noise consuming your ears and people on each side of you - Holy Spirit will still speak to your heart in a way so soft, but yet so distinct that everything else fades as you hear what the Lord is trying to tell you.

Have you ever noticed that there are times in your walk with the Lord where you are struggling to get your mind around something and things just aren't making sense? It's like you know all the stories, you've seen Him show up in a great way in your life, you KNOW He's real but yet sometimes there are just these moments where we stop and think "Where are you in this God?" This kind of standstill has happened in my life recently where I am watching God bless many people around me with healing, increase in finances, a family given a house TOTALLY rent free and I'm just watching God bless all of these people - but not me. Here I am sitting in my room of unanswered prayer waiting for Him to do for me what I see Him do in the lives of so many others but yet, I feel like I'm on a stand still watching other people play the game while I'm benched from the team.

As I've gone though this time questioning and sadly to say sometimes doubting God, tonight, He stopped me dead in my tracks. The Wednesday of every month my church has a service that is full of nothing but worship and prayer. The first song that was played tonight was about God's goodness. The service going on around me, I was signing, people were clapping next to me and I got the urge to stop singing and to just listen. I then felt the Lord speaking to me saying "Do you still believe that I am good in the middle of your circumstances?" I said "Yes, God, I do." I then felt the strongest conviction as I felt this truth go into the core of my being "Then why don't you act like it? Don't just wait for me to DO something for you so you are convinced of my love and goodness. Live out my goodness in everything you do because you love and trust me." WOW....I know right!

It was then that I discovered I was having a performance driven relationship with God. I sometimes feel like others want me around and love me just for what I can do for them. If I have nothing to give, they don't want anything to do with me. It's when I have something they want that they are then enjoying relationship with me. As much as I HATE feeling that way, I discovered tonight that I put God in the same box other people put me and it devastated me. Why can't I just be thankful enough to God for my life! I should have been dead by now given the way I used to live. I would have never thought I would be at this place in life that I am today but yet there is always something I am ungrateful for.

The more I walk with God the more I discover that the further away we get from our past and the first time we encountered Him, the more entitled we tend to become. When we first are introduced to Jesus we realize how GOOD He is and how in need we are for Him. As time goes by, we (or at least myself) start to forget how much He has already given us and we lose sight that even though He may not be answering our current prayer right away, He saved our live over 2,000 years ago and that is the most important thing of all.

With all that said, let me encourage you with this. The next time you find yourself comparing yourself to others, doubting God in your life, looking at what you don't have - sit back, breathe and let God talk to you about your situation. No matter what happens is God still good, yes. Does God still love you no matter your actions, YES! Even though it may not look like it now, is God still Just? Yes. He's in every situation, every life, every thought - we just have to choose to look at Him rather than what's surrounding us.

Clean Towels

Every now and again I have these moments in life. Moments, that I can't really describe but I know there are revolutionary in my thinking. As I sit down with my laptop along with Misty Edwards playing off of ihop.org in the background, I'll do my best to translate my heart into mere words so you can share this moment with me.

First let me give you a little history. Growing up, I didn't have a lot. I grew up in a household that consisted of my Dad, my Grandmother and my Uncle all living together trying to make ends meet in the midst of addictions, dysfunction and abuse. With all those dynamics we never had a lot of money. I remember times where I would sleep on a bed with out sheets, food wouldn't be in the refrigerator and my wardrobe for Jr. High consisted of 1 pair of jeans and 2 t-shirts. I wasn't familiar with a home life that consisted of luxuries such as different outfits for each day of the week, options of food to pick from in the kitchen or even more than one pair of shoes. I wasn't taught how to do laundry so I wore the same clothes for multiple days and cleaning consisted of shoving everything out of sight when people came over. That was the only reality I knew and I learned how to live and be content.

Tonight I was doing laundry (which is my ULTIMATE favorite chore) and as I was rolling up my Egyptian cotton towels, I took a whiff of the great smell and thought "How did I get here??" As I sat there looking at a small pile of folded up jeans, a huge pile of socks and other items of clothing, I sat and I just thanked the Lord for what He has given me today. To be able to not only be alive but to be able to enjoy the sweet fragrance of clean clothes, to feel the softness of good quality items and to feel the honor of. managing MY household far better than I had been shown as a child - I was taken back at how good God has been to me.

There are others from backgrounds similar to mine that either end up incarcerated, dead or living in the same dysfunction they were shown as a child. I realize I am fortunate and I have come to the conclusion that even though I may not have the life I ultimately want for myself, I have done far greater than I ever would have imagined 9 years ago. The only thing I can think that separates myself from those that have continued to carry on their family misfortunes is I choose a God who could redeem me from all of it. I recently saw the Disney movie Tangled and I think my life is a lot like that. I was kept in this dark place. I knew there was more out there, I knew there was light and goodness out there somewhere, I just didn't know where to find it and was filled with so much fear from the lies I was told that I didn't think it was possible for me. Then one day I got bold enough to say "I'm going to try this. I'm going out into the World" and as I stepped into the light I saw others walking in, I met Him. A God, a Prince and a Redeemer that looked at everything going on in my life and said "I know this is what life is right now for you, but it wont always be that way if you will just take my hand, get on this white horse with me and I'll take you on an adventure of a lifetime."

I know for others laundry may not seem like much, cleaning your kitchen is tedious beyond imagination and putting away groceries can be a bother. For me, it's such a gift. I don't take any of the things I have in my life today for granted and I know that all of it comes from the Lord. I have seen what my life is like with out Jesus and after tasting Him, I know that He is far better than anything of this world. Even though there are times I prefer to eat the cheap McDonald's meal of the World rather than the 4 course Italian dinner prepared for me at His table, He always welcomes me back and He blesses me simply because He loves me. There is nothing like having your eyes opened to life and coming to the realization that you are at a place you never thought you be, experiencing things you never thought you'd experience all because of the Lord.

BreakTHROUGH!

I'm sure you've heard this said in many Christian circles "God is a God of breakthrough." Well tonight, I got an even DEEPER revelation of that meaning.

Lately I have been struggling in some areas that no one has known about. Not my best friend, family, co-workers and sadly to say - even Jesus. As many of you know, that is not a good place to be, especially for a person like me. As I have sat in this storm of struggling thoughts and feelings, I've tried my best to put on THE FACE. We all know what that face is. The "I'm going to try my best to smile, wave the wave, do the dance and no one will ask me ANY questions. I'll be set just like a person on a parade float smiling away." While a few people that know me well enough were able to see past that facade, with the busy schedules everyone has in their life and the high demands that fall on each of our shoulders, it has been very easy to make everything about business so nothing has gone too past the surface other than "How are you feeling?" and then the next thing comes up and the conversation is cut short.

Here is what I think is interesting with that whole philosophy. When you act like that, you've just bought into a lie from the devil himself. Have you ever noticed that when you start to build walls, start to numb your pain and start to avoid everyone and everything that there is still this cry going on inside of you screaming "Will someone please notice me!!!! Will someone PLEASE ask how I am so I can talk about this?? PLEASE SOMEONE SEE THROUGH MY ACT AND NOTICE ME!!!" Want to know why that happens? Because your spirit is trying not to die on the inside.

We are multi-layered beings. We have a body, soul and spirit. Our body/soul are things that are fleshly and if we are a Christian, our spirit is what is a direct connection with Holy Spirit and the Lord. When our soul starts to build the walls and act in agreement with the devil (yes, when you are acting out you are choosing to agree with the life the devil has for you rather than God) our Spirit is saying "NO! STOP IT! THIS IS SO NOT YOU!!" and we have that inner conflict. For awhile it's pretty strong and we are able to tell there is something not right with us. But then after we continue to numb it with more TV, more food, more alcohol, more sex, more shopping, more more more more....our the flames of faith start to dwindle and the struggle is no longer a struggle. We have now become comfortable in our sin and we've entered into this place where we often say "I can't hear God' like I used to. I don't feel Him close to me like I once did."Choosing the things of darkness and the World become much easier because as it says in Romans, the Lord will eventually leave you to your desires. He'll always take you back and wish for different decision making on your part, but God wont spiritually rape you - He'll let you choose whom you ultimately want to serve.

So, back to me. :)

I have been going through this silent struggle getting a glimpse of what was wrong with me but yet I still couldn't quite pinpoint what the root of what it was and how to fix it. I mean, I know all the steps, have done tons of work and have led other people on how to pinpoint what is wrong in their life but I couldn't figure out my own. It's almost like being in a dark room. If you are in the room alone and it's pitch black, it's going to be really hard to find a light switch to get out. But if someone is there with you shining a light, you know to go in that direction so you can get out. And that's what I had to do tonight.

Tonight at my church we had our monthly night of worship / prayer. Towards the end, the Pastor puts an alter call out for people that have been struggling with relationships. Well, that was me! He said "If that's you, I suggest you RUN up here now". Well, I did take a little jog to that alter and received prayer for what was bothering me. I had one of the Pastors at my church pray for me and as she was praying, the Lord was showing me how He was not only breaking into my heart, but breaking THROUGH to the core being of my Spirit. I was finally able to take myself out of the equation and with another person there praying for me, God was showing me what was wrong like a puzzle piece and while He was showing me what was wrong, He was FIXING it! I felt so relieved, so free and just so at peace. it's like the rain finally ended and I was able to come out for some sunshine and stop hiding.

Now, if you are still reading after all of that, here is the point of this whole blog. I realized tonight how passionate and how loving God is. It's like I stated earlier, God is not a God that will spiritually rape you, but once you put the call out for help, he will create a scene far better than any love story you could imagine. Have you ever seen those movies where a girl is in trouble and then someone comes in, knocks down the door with his foot with determination, demolishes the bad guy and then sweeps up the girl in His arms? That's how I feel Jesus is in my life. I put myself in so many situations at times and every time I get myself in a bind, if I just call His name He comes barging in on His white horse rescuing me from the bad guy. I don't know how some people can say that God isn't real when He's so active and alive in my life. I don't know how else to describe His passion for us. I know I've felt it, I've experienced His touch and I know His voice. I just wish it didn't take me so long for me to remember just how active and alive He is. Why is it we think we can control things in our own lives? Why do we get in this space where instead of being still and trusting Him, we think we have all the answers to live? I have been silently struggling trying to pull apart every little thing trying to figure out what was wrong. If I would have just sat down long enough to feel the pain and allow the Lord to come in, I would have felt a lot better weeks ago.

I don't have a college degree, I'm a horrible speller and my math is equivalent to a Jr. Higher. I don't know much in this life, but I DO know that no matter what dark room, situation or circumstance you are in - Jesus is standing on the other side of that door wanting to knock it down and rescue His bride. He'll take you out of whatever mess you are, clean you up, put your in a BEAUTIFUL spotless robe and then He will come back one day to marry you so you can live with Him in eternity. You just have to call out His name so He can do His work.

Passover