BreakTHROUGH!

I'm sure you've heard this said in many Christian circles "God is a God of breakthrough." Well tonight, I got an even DEEPER revelation of that meaning.

Lately I have been struggling in some areas that no one has known about. Not my best friend, family, co-workers and sadly to say - even Jesus. As many of you know, that is not a good place to be, especially for a person like me. As I have sat in this storm of struggling thoughts and feelings, I've tried my best to put on THE FACE. We all know what that face is. The "I'm going to try my best to smile, wave the wave, do the dance and no one will ask me ANY questions. I'll be set just like a person on a parade float smiling away." While a few people that know me well enough were able to see past that facade, with the busy schedules everyone has in their life and the high demands that fall on each of our shoulders, it has been very easy to make everything about business so nothing has gone too past the surface other than "How are you feeling?" and then the next thing comes up and the conversation is cut short.

Here is what I think is interesting with that whole philosophy. When you act like that, you've just bought into a lie from the devil himself. Have you ever noticed that when you start to build walls, start to numb your pain and start to avoid everyone and everything that there is still this cry going on inside of you screaming "Will someone please notice me!!!! Will someone PLEASE ask how I am so I can talk about this?? PLEASE SOMEONE SEE THROUGH MY ACT AND NOTICE ME!!!" Want to know why that happens? Because your spirit is trying not to die on the inside.

We are multi-layered beings. We have a body, soul and spirit. Our body/soul are things that are fleshly and if we are a Christian, our spirit is what is a direct connection with Holy Spirit and the Lord. When our soul starts to build the walls and act in agreement with the devil (yes, when you are acting out you are choosing to agree with the life the devil has for you rather than God) our Spirit is saying "NO! STOP IT! THIS IS SO NOT YOU!!" and we have that inner conflict. For awhile it's pretty strong and we are able to tell there is something not right with us. But then after we continue to numb it with more TV, more food, more alcohol, more sex, more shopping, more more more more....our the flames of faith start to dwindle and the struggle is no longer a struggle. We have now become comfortable in our sin and we've entered into this place where we often say "I can't hear God' like I used to. I don't feel Him close to me like I once did."Choosing the things of darkness and the World become much easier because as it says in Romans, the Lord will eventually leave you to your desires. He'll always take you back and wish for different decision making on your part, but God wont spiritually rape you - He'll let you choose whom you ultimately want to serve.

So, back to me. :)

I have been going through this silent struggle getting a glimpse of what was wrong with me but yet I still couldn't quite pinpoint what the root of what it was and how to fix it. I mean, I know all the steps, have done tons of work and have led other people on how to pinpoint what is wrong in their life but I couldn't figure out my own. It's almost like being in a dark room. If you are in the room alone and it's pitch black, it's going to be really hard to find a light switch to get out. But if someone is there with you shining a light, you know to go in that direction so you can get out. And that's what I had to do tonight.

Tonight at my church we had our monthly night of worship / prayer. Towards the end, the Pastor puts an alter call out for people that have been struggling with relationships. Well, that was me! He said "If that's you, I suggest you RUN up here now". Well, I did take a little jog to that alter and received prayer for what was bothering me. I had one of the Pastors at my church pray for me and as she was praying, the Lord was showing me how He was not only breaking into my heart, but breaking THROUGH to the core being of my Spirit. I was finally able to take myself out of the equation and with another person there praying for me, God was showing me what was wrong like a puzzle piece and while He was showing me what was wrong, He was FIXING it! I felt so relieved, so free and just so at peace. it's like the rain finally ended and I was able to come out for some sunshine and stop hiding.

Now, if you are still reading after all of that, here is the point of this whole blog. I realized tonight how passionate and how loving God is. It's like I stated earlier, God is not a God that will spiritually rape you, but once you put the call out for help, he will create a scene far better than any love story you could imagine. Have you ever seen those movies where a girl is in trouble and then someone comes in, knocks down the door with his foot with determination, demolishes the bad guy and then sweeps up the girl in His arms? That's how I feel Jesus is in my life. I put myself in so many situations at times and every time I get myself in a bind, if I just call His name He comes barging in on His white horse rescuing me from the bad guy. I don't know how some people can say that God isn't real when He's so active and alive in my life. I don't know how else to describe His passion for us. I know I've felt it, I've experienced His touch and I know His voice. I just wish it didn't take me so long for me to remember just how active and alive He is. Why is it we think we can control things in our own lives? Why do we get in this space where instead of being still and trusting Him, we think we have all the answers to live? I have been silently struggling trying to pull apart every little thing trying to figure out what was wrong. If I would have just sat down long enough to feel the pain and allow the Lord to come in, I would have felt a lot better weeks ago.

I don't have a college degree, I'm a horrible speller and my math is equivalent to a Jr. Higher. I don't know much in this life, but I DO know that no matter what dark room, situation or circumstance you are in - Jesus is standing on the other side of that door wanting to knock it down and rescue His bride. He'll take you out of whatever mess you are, clean you up, put your in a BEAUTIFUL spotless robe and then He will come back one day to marry you so you can live with Him in eternity. You just have to call out His name so He can do His work.