Ok Ok O.k. I must admit with a title such as "God and Justin Bieber" I'm bound to raise some eyebrows and or risk being mocked. Let me make one thing perfectly clear - I do NOT have Bieber Fever - no intervention is needed. :)
This morning was my first time back at the gym after being restricted for quite some time. Due to a back injury and then being sick off and on for three weeks, I had to take some time off. Today was my first day back at running - WHOO HOO! As I run, I love to listen to Pandora. Being the eclectic that I am, my shuffle station has everything from Carrie Underwood, Broadway showtunes, Kim Walker, Eminem (don't judge) and of course - POP 40 which includes...duh duh duh...the one and only Justin Bieber.
Today as I'm pressing into the 1.5 mile mark, I hear this song come on and it's like the World stopped for a moment silencing everything that would take my distraction away from what was being said. I listen and I hear "My world is your world, my fight is your fight, my breath is your breath, when you hurt I'm not right." My ears perked up and I continued to listen to the song and I listened it seemed that the voice of God started to smother my entire being. It was like He was singing directly to me, my situation, my heart, my mind, my soul and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I quickly closed out my Pandora and searched for this song on YouTube. It was then on repeat for the next 30-45 minutes of my morning.
I started tearing apart the lyrics. His World, is my World? His fight is my fight? His breath is my breath? When I'm hurt He's not right?? Really? Could that be true of God to feel that deeply about me? The song goes onto state "many are called, but you are chosen...I'll be your guy you're my number one girl...you make me happy...girl I love you I love you I love you." I was amazed at those lyrics recalling that they are verses in the Bible and that is truly how the Lord feels about me.
I realize that not everyone has moments such as these and God speaks to everyone in their own special love language. Well my two primitive languages of love are words and affection. (If you're unsure what I'm talking about, get the book The Five Love Languages, it will change your life!) I feel the MOST love when I hear sincere words of affirmation, words of encouragement and love spoken to me by people. Mix that with someone playing with my hair and my love tank is beyond full! God knows how to speak to me because He created me so I'm not sure why I was taken back so much by this song. Maybe it's because Justin Bieber would be the last person I'd expect God to use to minister to me or maybe it's because I'm still trying to figure out this love relationship scenario with my Heavenly Father.
You see - I'm a control person. It's a huge character flaw of mine. I like to be in control, I like to know what's going to happen, with who, when and everyone better be on time. I don't like surprises (unless they are gifts or surprise parties hint hint) because I like to be on guard all the time. I know...that's not exactly healthy but we're all a work in progress. Being the control person that I am, I like rules. I thrive in structure with to-do and not-to-do list. Give me boundaries and I'll follow them like an Army Sergeant. Give me gray areas - I get anxious.
As you can imagine, being that type of person I often times have a hard time with this relationship I have with Jesus. You see, I messed up in a MAJOR way Sunday night. Everyone has their vices in life - the things that keep popping up every now and again. Well, a vice of mine reared its ugly head Sunday and I caved in. I just didn't want to fight anymore. Ever have those moments?
Because I had messed up in a major way, I now expect a pay-back system with the Lord. I immediately asked God to forgive me and repented of my sin. However, I never think that's enough. I have to EARN the forgiveness. I have to prove myself to God and frankly to myself to show how sorry I am. Those are the rules I like and are most comfortable with. So, as I'm going about my business running my intervals - I was flabbergasted that the Lord would want to take time out of His day to talk to me. I mean...hello did He not see what I did a couple of days ago? What does He not get? He's not allowed to talk to me or love me for a week because I have to sit in the time-out chair. However, as many of us know, God doesn't work like that. He still loves us, still cares for us, still enjoys us and wants to be around us. It's not the person He hates - it's the sin that separates Him from His children that He is not fond of.
I wish relationships could be cleaner, easier and full of "If you're going to do this, then I'm going to do this in retaliation" type of behavior. What I am learning is that healthy relationships should never look like that and God will never treat me that way. In all honesty, I kind of wish He would because then I wouldn't have such a hard time wrapping my mind around a God that loves me through my flaws. I wouldn't have to see my human depravity that turns my back on a love that strong as I continually choose things which aren't of Him. I wouldn't have to admit that I am not perfect and I need help each and every single day. I wouldn't have to be humbled to my knees in thanksgiving for a God that loves me when I don't deserve it. I wouldn't have to wonder "what is so great about me that the God who created the Universe cares about each nook and cranny of my heart?" I wouldn't have to ponder any of those life questions and I could just move on with a "do this, do that" type of religion. Religion is safe and relationships are messy - but it's not a religion full of rules Jesus wants me to have, it's a relationship. He wants me to be able to come to Him when I'm hurting, when I've messed up, when I'm happy or sad. He wants to fix my problems, He wants to talk things out with me and He wants to help make me better by the love He has for me. Sounds like Mr. Perfect right? Yet I still long for the bounding rules of religion. As I said, I'm a control person and in a relationship you have to lose control in order to grow. Jesus doesn't want to punish me nor does He want me to punish myself. What He does want is a relationship. The two perspectives are drastically different however, so easily mistaken by our own shortcomings.
In searching for a religion we can control or a God that we presume is always mad at us and we need to make it up somehow - we put life in this math equation that has expected outcomes. However safe that may "feel" at the time, I'm discovering that causes us to miss out on all the beautiful things about life. Uncertainty learning to trust, feeling vulnerable and then experiencing true peace when that venerability is returned with perfect love. Control and legalism are nice swimming floaties, but jumping head first into the deep end is far more exciting.
