Inner Struggles

As I sat to do my quiet time tonight (yes..I am one of those that has to do it either during the day or at night because I can't focus enough in the morning) I had an interesting revelation. What makes us afraid of God?? I am not talking about the righteous fear out of respect and awe that we should have for our Savior. I'm talking about that fear of "Oh man..I want to spend quiet time with God but I'm scared of what He is going to say to me". First off, let me just say that it is lies like that which come STRAIGHT from the devils mouth. I mean...come on. It's just like the scenario that happened with Adam and Eve in the Garden way back when. They hid and did not want to spend time with Him because they were afraid and ashamed from what they had done. But here's my question. I understand being afraid of the Lord when living a life of sine, I mean...it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. When living a life of sin but yet knowing the truth about the Lord there is absolutely no peace and when you know you are doing wrong of course you're going to avoid the person that will tell you what needs to change. I understand and know that fear all too well, but what about this fear of God that comes up when you are NOT living a life of sin? What's up with wanting to spend time with God and NOT wanting to hear a word from Him because of a fear of what He might say??

I realized after a recent time of pressing into God that I had developed a sense of that. I know that in my life right I am living pretty saintly compared to years past. I don't have any secret sins I'm afraid God will find out, I am happy with my growth in Him, but yet, as I would sit down to do my devotionals, I was discovering that I was wanting to do anything BUT spend time in prayer. Sure I'll read a book, I'll even put notes together for a future teaching....but sit and let God examine my heart to examine my ways...no thank you. Now I have to ask...what's up with that?? What causes a person that is serving the Lord, doing His work and living a life of freedom that has never been experienced before be afraid of the very person that saved her from her hell??? Well..of course I had a thought. 

Everyone who has been in a church for any amount of time has heard "Perfect love cast out all fear". Which is very true. When we experience that perfect love, the amazing grace and the tender drawing of the Father, we will not be afraid of anything because we know as His child, He will take care of His kids. God is not one to mess around with that. The Bible says that He will not let us go through anything that is uncommon to man and there is no temptation (trial) that came face us with out a safe plan B. It's when we are walking in a lifestyle of worship that we really get to live out that kind of life and when things happen we have the faith to say "OK God, um...this really sucks but I have to believe you saw this way down here and I'm going to believe you're going to handle my business if I take care of Your business". 

So if we have that available to us, why do we become afraid? If we've even experienced that in our lives, why do creep away from the One person that can pull us out of anything? Here is my own personal answer - I'm afraid of what He'll call me to do at times. There are times where I am so afraid I'm going to miss the mark and do the wrong thing that i almost don't want to hear what He has to say. There are times where I am so scared of what He will call me to do because I don't think I am capable and then there are instances where I'm afraid of getting near His presence because I feel so discouraged with my own self. Self-image is a funny thing ya know. People can see you as a certain person on the outside and put this whole persona on you but what would happen if they knew the details of your life? What would happen if they saw the day-to-day thoughts that crossed your mind regarding those you love the most?? Would they still think the same of you?? Sometimes I feel like life is the play and everyone is just playing their part for their applause. But what happens when the night is over?? What happens when the music stops, the band leaves, audience is gone and all that is left is you with out your makeup?? Even though I've had a tremendous amount of victory in those areas they still exist and I think sometimes my fear of wanting to get close to God is due to the fact that it's when I'm near truth, that I see all the dirt I try to hide. All the feelings of inadequacy, feelings of discouragement for where I am at in life or even the simple fact that I am not the perfect person I so long to be at times. I have all of these thoughts and feelings at times and instead of me wanting to draw near to the God that can heal me of those fears and doubts, I draw further away because I don't want to see the reality I try to sometimes hide. 

As I think of ways to close this my mind is raising thoughts of "Um...you're going to post something like this on the internet? Are you serious?? Here you are trying to raise funds for your mission field and you're letting everyone into your life?? Come on...how is anyone EVER going to respect you? How can people see you as a leader if this is who you REALLY are??". Well friends...yes..posting something like this is hard because of the fear I have of others looking at me or putting a judge of me but there is one thing I've learned with my walk with the Lord that has helped me tremendously, and that is - don't listen to the lies of the devil!! Who am I to think that I am the only special one that goes through things such as these? If people want to judge me for sharing my thoughts, then fine....by all means...take the very judgment seat of God away from Him and see how that works for you. I've walked this walk long enough to know that when God puts something on my heart to share that is hard, that's usually the most powerful message. My journey and my healing is not about my comfort, it's about His mission and if God can use me pouring out some of my inner struggles to reach someone else, then who I am to correct Him? My life is His life if there is one thing I hope people can remember me for it's the fact that I tried to be trophy of His grace shining in ways that He wants me to shine and being obedient to what He has called me to be. 

So here it goes, I'm going to be obedient with what I feel God wanted me to share, I'm not going to go through it with a fine tooth comb to make myself sound any better and I'm going to have faith that this will bless someone as I hit the publish button.